I almost didn’t take my son fishing.
Not because he told me he didn’t want to go. Not because I knew he couldn’t do it. I almost didn’t take him because I was already imagining how difficult it might be to manage him once we got there.
My son is five and has ADHD. When he gets excited, he can get really excited. He can be impulsive, and sometimes an activity that sounds fun in my head turns into me correcting him over and over until both of us are frustrated.
I’ve learned to anticipate those situations. Sometimes I can picture exactly how an outing is going to go before we’ve even left the house. And sometimes, because of that, I decide it’s easier not to go.
Fishing was one of those things I’d worried about. There are hooks. There’s water. There’s waiting. He’d have to listen to me and slow himself down when he got excited. But this time, we went.
Then He Surprised Me
I kept waiting for the problems I had imagined. Instead, he focused. He listened. He waited. He definitely got excited, and there were times I had to correct him or remind him what he was supposed to be doing. But that was it. We just kept fishing.
At some point, I realized I wasn’t spending the entire time trying to manage a disaster. I was just fishing with my kid.
And he loved it. When we were finished, he wanted to know when we could go again. If he had his way, we’d probably be fishing every day.
I should have just been happy that we’d found something new to do together. Instead, on the way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about something else: How many other things have I decided not to do before I’ve even given him the chance?
Maybe He Wasn’t Always the Reason
That’s uncomfortable for me to admit. There have been plenty of times when I’ve decided against an activity because I thought my son couldn’t handle it. Sometimes I’m sure that was the right decision. I know my son, and there have absolutely been situations that would have been too much for him.
But I’m starting to realize that wasn’t always the whole reason. Sometimes when I thought, He can’t handle this, what I really meant was:
I don’t know if I can handle him not handling it.
Because if we don’t go, there’s no meltdown to deal with. I don’t have to correct him 30 times. I don’t have to worry about his impulsivity getting him into trouble. I don’t have to feel myself getting overwhelmed while I’m trying to keep everything under control.
Avoiding the situation protects me from all of that. But it also means he doesn’t get to try.
Fishing made me realize that sometimes I’ve been deciding how something will end before my son even gets a chance to begin.
Am I Parenting the Kid I Remember?
There probably was a time when taking my son fishing wouldn’t have gone this well. Maybe at three he couldn’t have waited. Maybe at four his excitement would have taken over. But he’s five now, and I’m seeing him handle things I wasn’t sure he could handle before.
The problem is that I remember the other times too. I remember the meltdowns. I remember chasing him. I remember repeating myself again and again. I remember being completely exhausted afterward.
Those experiences don’t disappear just because he gets a little older. So when a new opportunity comes along, sometimes I’m still making the decision based on the kid I remember instead of the kid standing in front of me.
That’s what bothers me most about this. My son keeps changing. Am I changing my expectations of him along with it?
Give Him the Chance
I’m not going to start saying yes to everything. There are still things he’s not ready for. There are days when I’m exhausted and know I don’t have enough left to take on a difficult outing. And sometimes we’ll try something new and discover that, no, we’re definitely not ready for this one yet.
That’s okay. I just don’t want fear of what might happen to automatically make the decision for us.
Maybe we try something for an hour. Maybe we go somewhere knowing we can leave early. Maybe it goes terribly and we try again six months from now. Or maybe I spend the entire drive preparing myself for chaos, get there, and discover that my son is ready for something I didn’t think he was ready for.
That’s what happened when we went fishing.
I expected to spend the trip managing him. Instead, I got to watch him fish.
I don’t want my fear of what might happen to keep either of us from discovering what he’s capable of now.
So the next time I catch myself thinking, He can’t handle that, I want to stop before automatically saying no and ask myself one more question:
Can’t he handle it—or am I afraid I can’t?
Dads, let’s go.
